5 Ways Self-Love And Sex Are Connected
I have heard it time and time again in counselling sessions and education talks with women of all ages, sizes, abilities and more. To be honest I have had the same thoughts on occasions. You start getting messages from your partner that they are interested in sex and you start thinking things like ‘my tummy is too bloated’, ‘what if they want to have the lights on, I hate my thighs’, ‘cellulite city, I am not showing them that’. I am sure you can add some more to that list. In those moments your brain and your body are not thinking or feeling anything sexy. Not even remotely. Wouldn’t it be great if instead of that negative self-talk you were thinking about how good your partner’s hands feel or really enjoy them kissing you? Being able to focus on pleasure and what feels good.
Now for the magic wand that magically removes all that negative self-talk and makes you love yourself more. I am sorry to say that is not the case, self-love is an inside job and one that we need to work on throughout your whole life. However here are some points that can help you understand how self-love may improve your sex life:
1) Following body positive accounts and I am not talking fitspo want to be models. I am talking ‘real’, perfectly imperfect people, with real bodies, who are embracing their bodies unapologetically. Or Businesses that promote self-love and body positivity, like @blissforwomen. Following accounts like this can help you build body confidence, to minimise the impact of negative self-talk and be more confident when you do get those messages from your partner that they are interested in sex. Hey, you may even be feeling so good that you jump them! Here are some great accounts; @ihartericka, @bodyposipanda(a personal favourite of mine, the woman can dance), @lvernon2000, @scarrednotscared, @winnieharlow(you may have seen her in some fashion ads, stunning), @annieelaineyand @thesassytruth_just to mix it up a bit.
Now take time to watch how they write about and feel about their bodies. I can pretty much promise you that you will quickly see how amazingly gorgeous they all are. Now if you find yourself thinking that one of them looks sexy as hell and they have the features that you stress over and try to hide, think about that for a minute…………. You are just like them, why are you hiding you are gorgeous, and the only difference is self-love and acceptance.
2) The topic of self-love leads nicely to the topic of masturbation. Yes, masturbation. Giving yourself pleasure can do wonders for your self-esteem. It is also great for building body confidence and an understanding of what brings you pleasure (and stress relief, physical and mental health). When you are confident in what works for you while you play solo that can help improve your confidence in communicating what you need to your partner. If you are getting what you need from your partner in pleasure and in sex you are more likely to want more of it all. Your partner is going to enjoy it too and if they don't well that is a whole other topic.
3) Not needing to look like some unattainable, photoshopped ideal on the internet cuts down on the negative self-talk and an added bonus is that it leaves a whole lot more energy for doing the fun stuff like SEX.
4) This will not be popular with some people, but it needs to be said. You don’t need to remove all your body hair. You don’t need to wear perfect makeup. You don’t need to be wearing the perfect set of lingerie or spanks that hold everything in just right in order to be worthy of showing your body or to be sexy. You only need you. Your beautiful naked face. Your beautiful naked body. In whatever underwear you have on or do not have on is perfectly fine. Any partner worth your time and energy is going to think you are sexy just as you are and even more so if YOU CAN SEE just how gorgeous you are. Self-love brings confidence and confidence is sexy.
5) If you can see that negative self-talk is not for you and you are not going to stand for it anymore from yourself, you are less likely to tolerate negative comments directed at you from other people. Which links back to point 2, you deserve someone that thinks you are sexy just as you are. That my dear has to be the sexiest thing in the world, having someone that thinks you are beautiful even on your worst days and who doesn’t need you to be perfect all the time. Someone who reinforces all the positive self-talk you are cultivating in yourself and cannot get enough of YOU.
The reality is that we live in a world that praises perfection but perfection that is not real, it is digitally enhanced, shrunk and filtered. Whether you use the word feminist, or you don’t the most radical form of rebellion in this digital age is self-love.
About author:
Bliss for Women takes a holistic approach to women’s sexuality, sexual wellness and menstrual health. As a business we have always steered our own course, started the conversations others consider taboo and worked to change how the sex toy industry interacts with women. 2019 has brought big changes and there are more to come.
Recently under new ownership Bliss is a @ladystartup led by our resident sexologist Jodie Dunne.
Jodie is a sexuality educator, has been a health advocate for chronic conditions for 7 years and has worked in rehabilitation and training over the last 20 years. Jodie is a Co-Founder of Endometriosis Australia and is currently a volunteer with QENDO - The Endometriosis Association (Qld) Inc, The Lupus Foundation (Australia) and local Breast Cancer Survivor groups. Jodie has a Bachelor of Health Science and post graduate qualifications in Psychology, Business/Human Resources and Post Graduate Diploma in Sexology.