Reclaiming my power

What is your story?

I have always been a bigger kid, as long as I can remember. With that, there was always a sense of shame or worthlessness, like you are never good enough. It doesn’t matter how hard you try, you will never be good enough. You aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t fun enough, you aren’t accepted.

When you are larger, and especially a child, all you dream of is being accepted, being liked, being wanted. I watched my mother, who looking back was dealing with the darkness of her own as well, go through the same things I am now feeling. They want to be accepted so badly, that you would do everything and anything for a person. When you’re larger, you will look for a way to make the person of your affection (in any term) as you and want to keep you around. A lot of people ask why this is the case, why are larger people (and in reality majority of people with any form of trauma) are such “people pleasers?” The reason is that this is where we get our validation of our worth. This is the easiest source. For so long in my life, I have been told by too many people, that I was not good enough because of my weight. But not only my weight, by who I love, by what I believe in. I have been told I am wrong and unworthy because I don’t agree or I don’t see the other persons point. And once you get told enough times, you start to believe it.

When I was 20, I was attending a church where I met my first husband. Our relationship was intense and quick. It started wonderfully at first. Serenading me at the Cold Rock Ice Cream shop in South Bank for our first date. The first kiss on the stairs as he dropped me back home. There were so many good moments, and I was so naïve and young at the time. This was my first love. And for a long time, my first love ruined me. In the time we were together, I got into so much Debt that when we were done I had no choice but to go bankrupt. The relationship was physically and emotionally abusive. I would be woken up in the dead of night with fast food because that’s where they worked and they would feed me massive amounts of food in the middle of the night. My contraception was hidden from me to the point where I had to leave my contraception at my workplace to be able to take it. I was raped repeatedly, and the relationship became toxic. My closest family (my Parents) had moved to Melbourne for my father's employment and the rest of my family were about 40 minutes away by car. I didn’t drive, and I had no way to escape. But one day I found the courage to leave, after a terrible argument, that I thought the worst would happen. I found the courage from my cats. Shadow (who is no longer with us due to damage from abuse) and Loki. This argument was the final straw when I saw that both of my cats, came to my defence and protected me over their own safety. I made him leave, I told my family it was done and I was lost. A few days later, I received a barrage of messages from the person and how they wanted to destroy my life. I called my family left in town and they dropped everything to be at my house to protect me and my own. I remember the house being in darkness when my ex turned up with his brother. My Uncle who is over 6 feet and could fill a doorway waiting inside the front door for them to enter the property, the rest of my family consoling me in the kitchen. When I heard my ex’s voice I became petrified. My uncle makes his presence known and the surprise from them was nothing I had ever witnessed. To hear the clanging of metal bats on concrete and knowing these people came to my house to cause harm to myself, my property and my animals destroyed me. But it also awoke something in me. Something I had never before experienced. It was at that moment, I grew up. Immediately. I refused to let him win, and I knew it was going to hurt him more for me to overcome him. Why was I going to let him destroy me any further? No, it was my time to rise, and by God, I was going to.

I mentioned the church in the beginning because I have been raised Christian and I believe in God etc. My two closest friends at the time, both males, went with me everywhere and the night I decided it was time to go back to the church they were there by my side. Except when I got to the Church, I wasn’t allowed in. Why? Because I was separating from my (ex)husband and I had accused him of Adultery and violence. I wasn’t allowed in because I stood up for myself and left, I wasn’t a “dutiful wife” and I was “undeserving of being there”.

I am telling the world this story because this event in total was the turning point of such a change in my life. I was lost because all of my schooling careers I had been bullied and unaccepted, I fell in love with someone because I was desperate for love and acceptance, and instead of falling in love with love I fell in love with the idea. I stayed because, at first I didn’t know better, I thought all relationships had their ups and downs and that this was “normal”. It wasn’t until I remember my parents arguing before the wedding about the fear they had for me that I realised maybe it wasn’t okay. And by this point, I didn’t know how to leave. You become stuck because you don’t know how to be without this person controlling you. You become lost and it’s almost like your soul and personality become stuck in this void.

After him, there were several other terrible relationships. And I didn’t understand why they all weren’t working. They weren’t working because I didn’t know myself. And I didn’t know how to learn about myself. In the end, I stopped searching for love, and started turning inward to focus on myself and who I was. I started to remember some of me. I started to feel and believe in myself to a degree and that is when love found me. My current partner is everything. And instead of suppressing me, he celebrates me. He wants me to find out who I am. Most of my journey to discovery has really been done with him. He wants to raise me up and not tear me down. He wants me for me. And I still sometimes don’t comprehend or understand it. August 2022 we will have been together 5 years, but I can tell you, in that 5 years, so much of us has changed. So much of me has changed. I have discovered with my partner that I am capable of love to a degree I never knew. I have become aware of my power. Of who I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I have discovered my sexuality.

But all in all, I have found that no matter how hard you try, you may or may not be accepted by anyone or everyone. You may not even be accepted by your closest family or friends. This doesn’t stop them from loving you or you loving them any less. Humans are made in the image of the creator. That’s what I believe. And I believe in the story of creation. I believe the universe was created by God, and I am not asking you to believe this. I believe everything has energy, and if everything was created by God, then all things are in God’s image, and all things are meant for Good. This doesn’t mean it isn’t bad. This means that when it is bad, it has been twisted and turned away to the darkness. But sometimes, there is beauty and power in the darkness that is so unknowingly powerful and graceful that until you have been in that darkness, you don’t know how bright the light is.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have an eating disorder. I am repeatedly told by society and the world, because of my weight and what I have been through, I am worthless, I am nothing, I am unworthy of love and power. I am unworthy to feel beautiful, I am unworthy of being able to shop in a shopping centre. I am unworthy to obtain the basic necessities like bras and underwear. I am unable able to be a human. I am told repeatedly I am less than human because I am fat, I am bisexual, I am spiritual both from a Christian aspect and I believe in energies, crystals, and the power that God left here in the things he has created. Because I am a woman, and also because sometimes I don’t feel like any gender. I am unworthy of anything nice because of these things. I am constantly having my power taken, stolen and removed from me. I am constantly told that I don’t deserve my power and to keep quiet. No one wants to hear from me. What on earth could I have of benefit to this world because I am not worth the time of society.

The most common things I have ever heard:

-“You’re so pretty if only you’d lose a bit of weight.”

-“You’re pretty, for a big girl.”

-“Oh don’t eat that, you’ve got enough on you. You don’t need to eat.”

All of these things have shaped me into not believing in myself, discounting myself, diminishing my own power. Well… it’s time for me to turn around and tell you something. I will not be told I am less than because you don’t agree or believe in me or what I do. I am not less than because I am different from you and I stand up for what/who I am and believe in. I am worthy of all things in my life and I am CLAIMING BACK MY POWER.

YOU WILL NOT AND DO NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION TO MAKE ME SMALL BECAUSE YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. You need to adjust to me. I’ve adjusted enough. And if you don’t like it, I am not sorry and it’s not my problem. This is my power and my life and I will not be told or made to feel less than any more. Today is my day and My Power comes back to me.

Why did you want to do a boudoir shoot?

I did the shoot because I wanted to reclaim my power. Reclaim my confidence. I wanted to also have a model of someone of my body shape. I have never ever had any support for someone my size. And instead of people helping me and guiding me, I have been shunned and told I’m worthless. The biggest idiosyncrasy of our time I believe is the push for Obesity to be fixed and for plus size people to become “healthier”. But do you think there were any role models of plus size people being healthier? Or being able to work out, eat right? We can’t (couldn’t) get workout gear to be able to go to the gym. Certain gym equipment doesn’t cater for plus size people. How are we supposed to “Battle Obesity” if we aren’t given or able to have the tools and support to battle it? Even if no one else sees my images, I wanted to have a role model to look up to, to remind myself I am beautiful, and powerful and I am to be celebrated. These images if no one else gets anything out of them, I will.

What was the location of your shoot and why did you choose it?

The location came after Marina and I discussed what I wanted. And to be in touch with Mother Nature whilst doing the shoot was amazing. To feel the energy of the earth at the same time was amazing. It was meant to be. The location wasn’t picked out of a lineup, it came to us.

How did you feel preparing for the session?

I was so nervous originally. To the point where I made myself unwell during the first shoot. I ended up calling it quits and Marina and I had to have a second session. Looking at the images from the first session to the second session is like looking at a different person. I spent three days trying to perfect my make-up for the shoot, not knowing what I wanted, to then the day/s of the shoots the makeup looked even better. In reality, to begin with, the preparation I did for the shoot was attempting to forget about it originally. When I came back for round 2, and I accepted what I was doing, it was so exciting and thrilling to do it.

What was it like to be naked/ half-naked in front of the camera?

I was so scared originally, but Marina made it so easy to get naked. Both times, I had a gentleman and his dog walk past me. Both times I turned way, the first time I was ashamed because I was scared of what he might think. The second time I turned away, not for my benefit. To be honest I didn’t care if he saw me naked. We all have bits and tits. What the issue is, is that people are told to feel ashamed of their own skin. Everyone is told to cover up and hide everything. And relinquishing that feeling and owning my own body was wonderful.

How did you feel after the session? What have you thought when you saw your images for the first time?

After the session and before seeing the photos, I felt so free and powerful. I was so proud that I had done it, that I had faced some fears and owned my power and moment. When I saw the photos I cried. In all my selfies and images that I have taken, I constantly told myself I needed to change or filter myself to be more desirable. When I saw the images first I was in love, I couldn’t believe it was me, and I didn’t see my flaws, I saw my power and my light. I saw me.

Would you do it again?

100% - it was the best experience I have ever had.

Would you recommend a boudoir shoot to other women/men and why?

Yes, it is freeing. And everyone should experience how they look in someone else’s eyes. And Marina captures the art of you.

Do you have any tips for women/men who are planning to do a boudoir shoot?

Breathe, it’s simple but scary to take your clothes off in front of someone, but remember, we all have the same parts, they are just different shapes and that’s okay. Breathe and smile.