Don’t wait until you feel sexy

I found Marina through the most fleeting of paths crossing – a friend from work liked a photo of Marina’s on Facebook and it showed up on my feed as I was scrolling through one evening; I was intrigued by the image, followed the path to see more of her images and discovered her callout for Brand Ambassadors for 2021. Without a second thought, I submitted an application, never dreaming for a moment that I might be selected.

I did not think of myself as doing a boudoir shoot until the actual viewing of the images a week after the photo session! To my mind, I was participating in a body of work that would be used to promote the beauty in every body, to encourage other women and men to hear my (and our) stories and perhaps learn to love the skin they’re in and silence the self-criticising voice earlier in their own lives, to then be able to enjoy their bodies the way they are, and stop wasting time wishing they looked like something else when they’re perfect as they are. I have come such a long way in my 42 years, and while my weight has gone up and down, and up and up and up and finally down again, between babies and stretchmarks and the scars from an emergency C-section and finally skin removal surgeries after the final weight loss, I believed I had reached a point where I could see my body for what it was and not “fat” and “less-than” that I had always seen before – irrespective of what I actually looked like.

Preparing for the shoot the night before, it was still an adventure and I was squeezing in the grooming for the photoshoot to the evening before, once all the rest of the household was asleep. I took care to pay attention to all the self-care I always would overlook in my everyday life as I was too busy. Even during this time, my brain was ticking through the tasks I needed to complete for the family, for work, the next day and the days after.

It wasn’t until I was driving to the shoot that I became aware that more than anyone else, that I was doing this shoot for me. That I’d been telling myself how I’d come to love and appreciate my body for what it could do when really I had only taught myself to ignore it – that I would avoid seeing myself as a whole person in mirrors and photos. As I drove towards my shoot location and my phone dropped out of service, my brain finally quieted too and I was able to focus on what I was about to do. I became nervous and acknowledged to myself how exposed and vulnerable and alone I was feeling.

The session itself was at the Cream Track at Tallebudgera Creek in South East Queensland, close to the NSW border. There were no people, no phone reception, nothing but utter silence broken only by the sounds of the babbling of the water and birds in the trees. That sense of peace and focus on what I was about to embark on remained with me as we walked to the right location to begin the shoot.

As someone who has avoided undressing in front of others her whole life, I found it very easy to relax into the nudity of the shoot after the initial discomfort and awkwardness of removing my final items of clothing. Within 10 minutes, I was hopping from rock to rock in nothing more than my sneakers, having foregone the covering robe as nothing but a hindrance!

The sense of peace continued long after the session was over. In all honesty, the experience and the feeling were indescribable and I would recommend it over and over to any who are willing to stand still long enough to listen. More than anything, I say don’t wait until you feel sexy! Do this to learn to love yourself and your body for all it can do, and all it truly looks like, as it is right now.

-by BEE